


a study in loss (and all that could never be)

by Anonymous



Series: searching through the lost and found [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Gen, I'll update tags as I go, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inner Dialogue, Internal Conflict, Mentioned Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned Niki | Nihachu, Mentioned Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned Toby Smith | Tubbo, Mentioned Wilbur Soot, READER!! READER!! Hello! Do your shoes need shining? Reader!!, Suicidal Thoughts, T for TommyInnit, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Wow, i really have no outline, shh take this i know y'all have been starving
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29058681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: All Tommy ever knew was loss. Sure there was violence and anger, but when it all boiled down, loss was all Tommy ever knew.
Relationships: Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Series: searching through the lost and found [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2132523
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57
Collections: Anonymous





	a study in loss (and all that could never be)

**Author's Note:**

> fair warning, i've really only seen the recent streams, so if anything's wrong - uh, creative liberties.

All Tommy ever knew was loss. Sure there was violence and anger, but when it all boiled down, loss was all Tommy ever knew. 

Loss was the scars littered on his skin like a tattoo, the phantom pain underneath his skin never fading. It was all the scrapes and bruises that scattered his skin, it was the bandages that snaked his body protecting his cuts but suffocated them at the same time. 

Loss was the restless tossing and turning at night because he could never shut down the memories of blooddustgunpowderash and _ohgodidon’twanttodiesomeonepleasesaveme_ (but no one ever came). 

Loss was Wilbur, the deep cavity in his soul that would never be filled; the warmth of home and safety and trust that he would never regain because Wilbur was _dead_ (and even though he had Ghostbur, he didn’t. Ghostbur would never remember the bonding that him and Alivebur did through their tears of anguish. Wilbur would have never taken “no'' for an answer, his sharp tongue cunning with his words). 

Loss was knowing that having a “home” would never come true, that homes were only there ‘till someone comes and pillages it - griefs it. Loss was L’manburg, his almost home; it was in the song that would never be the same, it was in the short time that he was able to live there before he was exiled, it was in all the “never meant to be” phrases and Techno’s “you want to be a hero, Tommy, then die like one!” It was in all the tears that he could never truly shed because tears were a liability that he could never afford. 

Loss was in the childhood Tommy couldn’t have, the option that wasn’t ever available. He was only a child in their eyes when they needed excuses, never when it mattered (he looks at his hands and wonders if he could ever have that. Tommy has always been a soldier, has always fought for others when it really mattered. He wonders why the others couldn’t fight for him, too. Was he not worth their energy, their effort? Their love? He wonders when it’s actually time for him to rest, when he could be happy, too. They were probably all happy without him, right? He remembers their words all too well: “annoying,” they said, “useless.” Maybe Techno was right. Maybe death was the only option for someone like him.. but Tommy had never wanted to be a hero). 

Loss was Niki and Fundy and Jack and all the people he thought were his friends but maybe they weren’t, maybe they were never (he remembers the party where no one showed, the lonely exile. He remembers the forceful, mocking hand placed on his shoulder and while Dream said he was a friend, he wasn’t. Tommy knew friends and friends don’t do what he did, feel like he feels. Friends were laughter and happiness and jokes, but Dream was - Dream was fear and hopelessness. Dream was the weariness that wrapped around his shoulders like a cape. He was the despair he had crowned on his own head as he held it high, and Tommy knew Dream was not a friend. Though, WIlbur always told him he was a fool, with too much hope that would be his downfall).

Loss was in Tubbo, his Tubbo, Tubbo in a box, Tubbo who cast him out of L’manburg. Loss was the trust that he had in him (sure he loved Tubbo, but love could never stop the sharp, unimaginable pain in heart, his soul, that he feels whenever he thinks of him. Love could never stop all the pain and hurt and grief that he didn’t know how to deal with). Loss was in Tubbo who probably hated him - no. Tubbo was far too kind to hate him, but he could be cruel enough to move on from him; TubboandTommy, TommyandTubbo, maybe that’s the thing that was never meant to be.

Loss was in the pit, the hole that Dream would make, all his items blown up. It was funny in a way, such a stupid analogy; that no matter what effort Tommy would ever make, it was all useless. Loss was, no - _is_ the pit he dug himself into. It’s his items, his soul, his effort that he blows up himself because all Tommy has ever known is loss. So as he looks between Techno and Tubbo, as he looks between what he has and had and what he could have, he wonders what he would lose now (and the simple truth of it all is that he knows that no matter what side he chooses, Tommy will always be that scared child in the corner crying because no one ever stayed and no one ever will).

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this on a whim, honestly.


End file.
